Category: Rock, Paper, Shotgun

Monster Hunter Wilds features an absolutely dreadful spider monster – a spider that, going by preview encounters and trailers, strives for the point on the Venn diagram between Malenia in Elden Ring and the demon arachnid from Hunt: Showdown. The spider monster is called the Lala Barina. If I saw “Lala Barina” out of context I would assume I was reading about a successor to Suzuki’s subcompact automobile the Holden Barina, whose brave and sturdy outline once graced the roads of Oceania. I would not picture a giant, greasy rose blossom with jet-black darting mandibles. I would not picture nests of scarlet silk and status effects literally out the wazoo.

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Sid Meier’s Civilization 7 is out now in full public access on Steam, Epic Games Store and the Microsoft Store and once again, I ask myself: does Sid Meier keep a hit list of journalists who just call it plain old Civilization? What about journalists who come up with cute puns like Sidilization or CiviliSidtion or SimSiddy: The Meier The Merrier and whoops, I’ve just been assassinated by sniper drone. Fortunately the drone is equipped with one of those generative AI chatbots and can write the rest of this news post for me.

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What would do, oh what would you do?

Yes, what would you do, with an infinite shoe?

Would you melt it to make yourself infinite glue?

Or to infinite dogs ‘pon which to infinitely chew?

Would you keep ajar infinite doors…alright enough of that. I’m very sorry. I had too much cheap energy drink for breakfast and it appears to have given me rhyming cancer. Also, the urge to browse the Kingdom Come Deliverance 2 mods, to see what players of the RPG were downloading most at the moment. I find there’s usually a sweet spot before anything too substantial hits a game’s Nexus Mods page where you can use the most popular mods as an interesting barometer to what sort of game people actually want to be playing. The theme here? Players seem to love the idea of a gritty realistic medieval game in theory, but actually secretly enjoy having the inconvenient edges sanded off.

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Comicbook mulchfest Marvel Rivals once planned to reset player ranks twice per season, but these recently-hatched plots are no more, for the gamers have descended upon NetEase like rogue Iron Man suits, and the developers have acquiesced to their verbal kicks and punches.

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It is I, the guy who has only played Mechabellum playing his second autobattler, and getting strong Mechabellum vibes from it. Except, actually no, not at all. He Is Coming, from Chronocle and noted good game recognisers Hooded Horse, is actually a kinda sorta classic roguelike RPG. You’ll be shuffling over a Commodore 64-tified overworld map, grabbing treasure, bumping foes that move when you do, and turn-based autobattling them.

Got wounded? Maybe have a nice rest at that campfire. Not too long, you slovenly wastrel! You’re actually on the clock: the ‘he’ of the title refers to the menagerie of boss creatures that turn up after a set time. The idea is to use your time wisely to prepare for the big fight, getting stronger without getting whittled down too much.

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PowerWash Simulator simply too strenuous? House Flipper 2 furrowing your brow? They can’t hurt you anymore, friend. It is simply you and the hole now. The days may come, and the world may spin, but you? You need only dig. A Game About Digging A Hole is a game about digging a hole.

“Hey Steam community,” goes the delightfully unadorned Steam page introduction to this simulation game. “I’m Ben, and I created this game in my spare time!”. I love you, Ben. Not a “play your way” in sight. Nary a “the only limit is your imagination”. Absent a venomous and detestable “easy to learn, hard to master”. Just a bloke named Ben, and a hole named hole.

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Last March, Sega sold off Company Of Heroes and Warhammer 40,000: Dawn Of War developers Relic Entertainment in the course of wider “restructuring”, “realigning” and lay-offening at the house of Sonic. Relic’s new corporate partners are a holding company established by the UK investment firm Emona Capital LLP – an arrangement that apparently lets them operate like an independent studio, though I’m fuzzy on the moving parts.

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Take-Two Interactive CEO Strauss Zelnick has hailed PC gaming’s “increasing share of the market”, in what you could optimistically interpret as the prelude to a GTA 6 PC release date announcement, and less optimistically, as a simple reassurance to investors who are fretting about the decline of console game sales.

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Cheery mom-and-pop computer game business Valve have created a new Steamworks page for their policy about in-game adverts and advertising in general, with a troubleshooter’s list of dos and don’ts for developers.

As Graham pointed out to me just now, Valve’s handling of such things hasn’t really changed over the past few years, but I can’t pass up the opportunity to chew the fat a little about the intriguingly murky, slippery-slope business of turning your virtual world into an ad platform. Also, I had already written this article by the time he pointed that out to me, and I can’t bear to send all my precious words to the abyss.

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Better get yer cigar chompin’ mouth muscles warmed up. Second world war sabotage ’em up Commandos: Origins now has a release date, and it’s fairly soon. Good news for people who enjoy sniping fascists from across the map while commanding a barrel-armed Irishmen to simultaneously slit a throat. And equally good news for those who lament the loss of Shadow Tactics: Blades Of The Shogun developer Mimimi Games.

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